Saturday, May 3, 2014

Treading water

This is not a blog post of the usual variety. This contains far more thought (of the random scattered variety) and less pictures (like none). Not as much sunshine and rainbows, but I promise, they're still here. I don't often get "real" on this blog. For the most part, blogs tend to be the glossed over, edited, happy version of someone's life. And that's okay, because that's what people want to see. But it's a blog about my life and this is something happening in it.

I am in a weird place. And have been, basically all year. I'm saying all year, because we're four solid months in and it's a good point of reference? This is not a necessarily bad place I'm in, just a weird place. I feel like I'm just... walking in circles? Pacing? Waiting. Waiting seems more correct. Waiting for what, I could not tell you. I just feel like my life is on pause at the moment. I am the busiest I've ever been, but I feel like I'm doing nothing. Does that make sense? I'm just... going through the motions. And I feel small, if that makes sense. Small and stuck in a loop. And this all sounds terribly dramatic and silly, but it's true. I'm just in a funk. It's not that I'm not happy, because I am. I'm just feeling off. I'm just waiting. Waiting for something.

Work consumes most of my energy these days, which has been the case for a while. I have the big job and the very little job and they keep me busy. I have running, which I love/hate/love. And I have Brendon. And Brendon's life is busy too. That boy kicks butt at pharmacy school everyday, works two jobs (although, only every other Saturday at each), and takes care of me. I am often, a baby. I lay on the couch and moan about being tired, or not feeling good, or whatever, and he strokes my hair and tells me it's okay, and makes us TV dinners. Because I don't want to cook.

That's the biggest tell that things are not normal ("not normal" is too harsh a term, but for lack of a better option, we'll go with it), I have stopped making things. Food being the most obvious. Don't get me wrong, I still cook, we've got to eat! But I cook significantly less that I did, say, a year ago. I've always loved cooking cooking. It's been my happy place, but these days I have no desire to cook. I made a big batch of pasta today so that we'd have some lunches for the week, and I thought, gee, I love this. It was a new recipe, using ingredients I wouldn't have thought to throw together. And it was fun! And yummy. And I enjoyed it, as I almost always do when I actually get around to cooking. But I often don't. On a day to day basis, I cannot find the energy. I have a fridge full of awesome ingredients, and yet no desire to cook anything. Why is that? And baking? I never bake. I've baked maybe two things all year. I BAKED 52 THINGS LAST YEAR. Did I over-bake myself? (That's not possible.)

Sewing has also disappeared from my life, aside from what I do at work. I just, don't make anything any more. I am a maker! I am a creator! I have been since I was old enough to get my hands on crayons. Why have I stopped? How do I fix this? The obvious solution would be to, duh, suck it up and make things. But I can't. I'd go as far to say I don't want to. It's just this weird place that I'm in. I'm just going through the motions, nothing more. I mean aside from running. Sometimes I think if it weren't for running, I'd melt into the couch. A rather appealing idea, I love my couch.

I don't know where I'm going with this, other than to get it out of my head. I have no game plan. This is how it is at the moment. Waiting. Waiting for whatever. Brendon has one more year of school, and then possibly another year of residency. Is that what I'm waiting for? For this 9+ year chapter of school to be over? If that is the case, part of me wants to scream, that's just not fair!!!! But that's selfish and silly. Even when pharmacy school is over, what then? I have no idea. That's so odd, to have no plan. For the majority of my young adult life, I've been so goal oriented and driven, to not have a plan or, more importantly, a goal is so odd. I'm just treading water, waiting for whatever's next to present itself.

I don't want this to be misleading, I live a full and happy life and am very fortunate to be surrounded by the people and things that I am. I am happy. I'm just in funk. A happy funk. Just biding my time, which seems very un-Marie to me.

So forgive the unusually wordy post, I blame the allergies. Next post will have pictures, promise.

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