Treading water

This is not a blog post of the usual variety. This contains far more thought (of the random scattered variety) and less pictures (like none). Not as much sunshine and rainbows, but I promise, they're still here. I don't often get "real" on this blog. For the most part, blogs tend to be the glossed over, edited, happy version of someone's life. And that's okay, because that's what people want to see. But it's a blog about my life and this is something happening in it.

I am in a weird place. And have been, basically all year. I'm saying all year, because we're four solid months in and it's a good point of reference? This is not a necessarily bad place I'm in, just a weird place. I feel like I'm just... walking in circles? Pacing? Waiting. Waiting seems more correct. Waiting for what, I could not tell you. I just feel like my life is on pause at the moment. I am the busiest I've ever been, but I feel like I'm doing nothing. Does that make sense? I'm just... going through the motions. And I feel small, if that makes sense. Small and stuck in a loop. And this all sounds terribly dramatic and silly, but it's true. I'm just in a funk. It's not that I'm not happy, because I am. I'm just feeling off. I'm just waiting. Waiting for something.

Work consumes most of my energy these days, which has been the case for a while. I have the big job and the very little job and they keep me busy. I have running, which I love/hate/love. And I have Brendon. And Brendon's life is busy too. That boy kicks butt at pharmacy school everyday, works two jobs (although, only every other Saturday at each), and takes care of me. I am often, a baby. I lay on the couch and moan about being tired, or not feeling good, or whatever, and he strokes my hair and tells me it's okay, and makes us TV dinners. Because I don't want to cook.

That's the biggest tell that things are not normal ("not normal" is too harsh a term, but for lack of a better option, we'll go with it), I have stopped making things. Food being the most obvious. Don't get me wrong, I still cook, we've got to eat! But I cook significantly less that I did, say, a year ago. I've always loved cooking cooking. It's been my happy place, but these days I have no desire to cook. I made a big batch of pasta today so that we'd have some lunches for the week, and I thought, gee, I love this. It was a new recipe, using ingredients I wouldn't have thought to throw together. And it was fun! And yummy. And I enjoyed it, as I almost always do when I actually get around to cooking. But I often don't. On a day to day basis, I cannot find the energy. I have a fridge full of awesome ingredients, and yet no desire to cook anything. Why is that? And baking? I never bake. I've baked maybe two things all year. I BAKED 52 THINGS LAST YEAR. Did I over-bake myself? (That's not possible.)

Sewing has also disappeared from my life, aside from what I do at work. I just, don't make anything any more. I am a maker! I am a creator! I have been since I was old enough to get my hands on crayons. Why have I stopped? How do I fix this? The obvious solution would be to, duh, suck it up and make things. But I can't. I'd go as far to say I don't want to. It's just this weird place that I'm in. I'm just going through the motions, nothing more. I mean aside from running. Sometimes I think if it weren't for running, I'd melt into the couch. A rather appealing idea, I love my couch.

I don't know where I'm going with this, other than to get it out of my head. I have no game plan. This is how it is at the moment. Waiting. Waiting for whatever. Brendon has one more year of school, and then possibly another year of residency. Is that what I'm waiting for? For this 9+ year chapter of school to be over? If that is the case, part of me wants to scream, that's just not fair!!!! But that's selfish and silly. Even when pharmacy school is over, what then? I have no idea. That's so odd, to have no plan. For the majority of my young adult life, I've been so goal oriented and driven, to not have a plan or, more importantly, a goal is so odd. I'm just treading water, waiting for whatever's next to present itself.

I don't want this to be misleading, I live a full and happy life and am very fortunate to be surrounded by the people and things that I am. I am happy. I'm just in funk. A happy funk. Just biding my time, which seems very un-Marie to me.

So forgive the unusually wordy post, I blame the allergies. Next post will have pictures, promise.

Anniversary trip to the capitol

This building never gets old. We've walked through it a million times and I still love it.

We celebrated our anniversary the day after the real deal, Brendon had a big test the next day. We went to Wink for dinner. Very fancy! Very good! My only peeve was that the vegetarian plates were almost the same price as the meat/fish? I'll never understand that. But a very neat little place and the service was excellent!

Afterwards we mosied on downtown to go for a walk and enjoy the seriously lovely weather. We ended up at the capitol, as you do. Did you know it's open until like 10pm? That's the best way to see it, I swear. You have the place to yourself.

This sweet pair was singing Texas songs in the middle of the capitol. It was really, the sweetest thing. They actually sounded very good and it echoed all through the building. They brought extra song books and asked if we'd like to sing with them. I mean, the sweetest!!! We declined, as we'd crack every window in the place. They were really lovely folks, and I'm glad we caught them.

Grainy iPhone photos, because I never think to bring my camera with me any more. Need to be better about that.

I think I've discussed before how people love to offer to take our photo. It's something that I've become a big fan of. You get these fun, often wonky, photos that you'd never have otherwise. This was taken by a very sweet teenage girl, who just walked up and offered to take our photo. She took a normal one and then tilted the camera at this crazy angle and took a couple more. I love it! People are fun.

After meandering through the capitol we walked down Congress and found a little coffee shop and had us some joe. I can't remember the name, but it's a coffee shop with a theater upstairs. It was cute! We finished the evening off with a movie at home, and stayed up past midnight like wild hooligans! Wonderful night with that wonderful man of mine. More of the same, please.

Old and busted, new hotness

Finally broke down and got new kicks. I've had my old ones for about two years, and they've got a few hundred miles on them. My legs and feet were starting to get a little more wear and tear on them than I'd like, so I figured it's about time for a new pair. When I got the last ones I was working towards running a 5k, now I'm working towards a half marathon! Hopefully these green babies will help get me there. The colors sure are... vibrant. I'm calling them my hulk shoes.

As far as running progress goes, I've hit a bit of a wall this month. We've been going pretty hard since January and making wicked progress, but lately, it's been rough. I've been suffering from serious allergies, like worse than I've ever had. Ever. Breathing has been challenging to say the least, especially in the last week. Between that and the increasing heat, our runs have been shorter and slower and rougher. We squeezed in a slow six miles this week, but that's the longest we've run in a while. Yesterday I managed a depressing two miles before I, literally, wheezed to a stop. I hate these allergies. Hate, hate, hate. It's so bad it's almost like a cold or bronchitis or something evil. It's migrated from my head to my chest in the past week, so I'm hoping it's on it's way out? I don't know. It's making me sad, and it just needs to go.

And dear lord, running in the heat and humidity is a whole different ball game. And it's not even summer heat yet. I'm hoping we'll acclimate at some point (I mean, it has to happen right? It has to get easier?), and then this fall when it cools down we'll be speed demons (HA). I'm trying really hard not to get to disappointed and down about how much harder it is to run lately. I'm thinking of the summer just as a training season. I'm not sure if I'll be able to increase my mileage, much less hit that elusive 13.1, but I'm going to keep on running. Boogers in my chest or not. And that can only make me better, right? I came across "JFR" (Just F-ing Run) while researching places to get shoes (Rogue Running!) and I've been using it for motivation. Feels like hot soup outside? JFR. Worked 13 hours today? JFR. Can't breathe because you're insides are coated in boogers? JFR. Here's more.

And on an unrunning related note: Here is Sophie, squeezed in my shoe box. It was empty on the floor for a good 45 seconds before she got into it.

Fluffy fat kitty, you're so silly! JFR, y'all.

Three Years

Three years of marriage, y'all! Threeeeee! Where has the time gone? Every day time seems to be moving faster and faster, we'll be old and wrinkly and toothless before we know it. These past three years have been the most fun and best of my life. The theme of year three of married life seemed to be FUN. We had a lot of fun this past year together. Although we're still in the throws of pharmacy school (ONE MORE YEAR) and I'm continually working my tail off, we seemed to get a hang of it this year and managed to squeeze in a whole lot of adventures when we weren't hustling our respective games.

Mr. Hogan is my favorite person in the world to embark on adventures with. Really, that's my end goal in life. Have fun with my other half. But life is BUSY and it takes a certain amount of effort and work to make time for adventures, and more importantly each other, and this past year we made it happen. I think it's what keeps us sane. Life is often messy and hectic and not so awesome, but making time for fun and love makes all the rough parts worth it and seem not so rough. I think this last year we've realized how important this is, and we've gotten pretty good at making time for each other when we can. Making sure that "married time" happens, even if you're the busiest and super stressed (erryday, y'all). It's just so crucial. Even if it's something as small as cuddling and giggling on the couch for the random 20 minutes of free time you've got, it matters. And as silly as it sounds, running together has been a huge deal. It creates time together and has been so fun. Because we take running fairly seriously and work it into our schedules, it's scheduled time together. Time to sweat and struggle and hate your legs, but time with each other, no work or school involved. It's the sweaty things, y'all. But really, making time for each other. No matter what you're doing (fun things are recommended!), it's so good.

So cheers to three wonderful years. Looking back three years ago still gives me chills. April 30, 2011 was such a wonderful, unperfectly perfect, and happy happy happy day. We were totally spoiled with love by the most lovely people. I can't say it enough, we are so fortunate to have the people in our lives that we do. They're such winners. And all so good looking! ;) I really wouldn't change a damn thing about our wedding day... except what we wore. As any girl would, I would LOVE to pick out a new wedding dress. Not that I don't love mine, because I do, but I'd get married in something light and flowy, with straps or sleeves because dancing is so much easier when you're not worried about gravity causing your dress to peace out on you and show your goodies to your nearest and dearest. And less dress is bueno when you're getting hitched in Texas heat. Also, HALF as much makeup. I mean, word? Coulda woulda shoulda.

So thank you for the best three years ever, Brendon. Married life is the bomb when you're married to you. Also, you keep getting cuter every year (there's these very few grey hairs that are appearing in Mr. Hogan's fantastic mop, y'all... ooooooo!) and that is trouble. The good kind. I love you, a lot. Year four is going to be amazing, I know it.

Can't get enough of our baby wedding faces? Here is Year One and Two, as well as "the Wedding Posts".

Once, we were engaged

In honor of our Anniversary Week (the big day is Wednesday) I thought I'd post a small sampling of our engagement photos, because I don't think I've ever shared them on ze blog. Our photos were taken by Breanna of Powerhouse Studios in Denton, TX in the fall of 2010. These were taken mostly on the square, although we did sneak over to the UNT campus. We look so much younger in these photos! Freakin' BABIES.

Also, there's a decent amount of kissing. SORRY. Anniversary Week, I do what I want!

Why yes, we are the kind of people who take professional photos with their uncooperative cats. Are you surprised?